granola

granola, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

I made about four pounds of granola today after little John and I made a trip to the natural food store on sunday. He likes to shop there because he gets to push the toy shopping cart around the store. I didn't use a recipe but this one has rolled oats, molasses, honey, sea salt, almonds, golden raisins, apricots, dates, and cranberries.

hat

pullup hat, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

102

Ella has had a fever for two days and is especially pathetic when she wants her father to carry her up and down the stairs. She has been under a quilt on the sofa watching pbs kids all morning. I'm tossing things into piles in the playroom, and John is loving it. He has found all the toys he didn't even remember he had. I invited three families with kids over for dinner next saturday, and I am determined that they will actually be able to play in there. Since the Christmas onslaught it has merely been a toy storage area, a room I glance into and get angry, but by saturday it will be the puppet playhouse, ella::sushi restaurant, and happyplace once more.

23 week crazy

So, I'm going to whine for a minute, and then I'm going to get it together and get on with the good stuff.

Yesterday two people told me that I was huge. Strangers. What do you say ?"Thank you!" or perhaps " Thanks, I'm 23 weeks pregnant, short-waisted, and I haven't pooped in two days!" I think I'm just tired enough to have very little patience with people. I feel like everyone is wagging their finger at me, and I just want to wag mine right back. One grandmother has made a fuss about Ruby's first name, and the other is making a ruckus about her middle name. I can't keep up with the dishes or the children's constant messes, and Ella has been sick and especially dramatic this week. Oh, the tears. By taking a fifth job at Ella's school I've determined that five is two many, but I'm not a quitter so I'm going to make it to the end. May 30 is the last day of school.

Alright, I'm going to do some dishes and do my hair and try to find something to wear. I'm going to see The Vagina Monologues tonight with some friends, so I should just be happy that I'm getting out of the house alone for a while. Just laugh. My pants are all either too loose or too tight. Ditto underwear.

going out

John and I are going to Floyd to see the WIYOs tonight for an early Valentine date. Grandmarie is keeping the children, and we are spending the night in the country. I'm asking myself how in the world I'm going to stay up for the show.

My OB visit was pretty uneventful this week. Little John pretty much stole the show when he rolled in with a doll stroller full of his little buddies and books. He was so funny pushing it through the hospital. I knew the doctor had a patient in labor, and I thought we might have to wait. I've gained six pounds and my sore veins in my leg aren't a huge deal. He said that I shouldn't sit still for more than an hour, but how often does that happen. He looked over my last ultrasound and noted that we didn't have any pictures of Ruby's face or hands, so I am scheduled for a 4D ultrasound next month. Those 4 D pictures are almost too clear, and I'm thinking that the kindergarden class will really love them. I have my first gestational diabetes test in four weeks too. I take the test a few times since I had GD with Ella, and I would really like to have a smaller baby this go round.

thursday kind of tired

I've been working at Ella's school for three days now, and today I had the second graders at lunchtime. I got some maternity jeans yesterday, so I spent the day with somewhat rowdy kids while my pants kept falling down. I started an extra job at the school this week for some extra tuition money, and I hope I can make it through May.

OB appointment tomorrow.

in case you were wondering

My lack of posts comes down to one simple fact. I can't stay awake. Ella and John go to bed at seven thirty, and I walk downstairs, brush my teeth, walk back upstairs, and go to bed. I have no choice. I have been asked what it is like to be pregnant at almost forty two, and all I know is that it is taking a lot of sleep. Food, on the other hand, is a little less interesting. I gained, lost, and gained and am now hovering at my exact pre-pregnancy weight.

Ella says that when she is eighteen she is changing her name to Mattie.

whole wheat irish soda bread

whole wheat irish soda bread, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

the buttered bread

the buttered bread, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

good::sunday

::Spiced pancakes with pineapple on top :: Playing the violin :: Drawing the violin :: Turning the living room into a boat :: Dancing in the bathtub ::

guitar

guitar, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

I think he looks a bit Beatlesque. John reminds me of his sister lately. He loves to dress up and dance or play an instrument. He loves harmony and Gregorian chanting, and of course speed banjo. Ella's school went to see the Cassatt String Quartet on friday morning, and he has been playing the violin--one finger playing the four opposite fingers.

He talks up a storm,well, for him it is a storm, even requesting his peanut butter and jelly sandwich "whole" at lunch today. Yesterday we were reading some Sesame Street board books, and I realized that he has Ernie and Bert confused. And Bert's name is Burp.

girl power

We got back our amnio results this morning, and Miss Ruby is chromosomally perfect and 100% girl. To celebrate we went out for Mexican food and the big reveal. Ella was happy and surprised. She was perhaps most thrilled with the fact that it is a girl, and that there will be three girls and two boys in the family. Her first question was, "When are Granny and Grandmarie coming?"

miso salad dressing

1/2 cup roughly chopped yellow onions
1/2 pound extra firm tofu
1/4 cup miso
1/2 cup cider vinegar
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 cup cup chopped parsley
1 cup water

process until smooth. keeps five days in the fridge. addictive. eat on salads, steamed vegetables, potatoes, or grilled fish.

john's first sentence

Can you guess it? "I am Bob" (the Builder) He used a slighly incredulous tone thate made it especially hilarious. He has been gaining new words practically every day since the start of the holidays.

New Years Resolution Number Two

Number Two kind of expands on number one, but we are giving up conventional fruits and vegetables on the dirty dozen list. I better finish my New Years resolutions by the time January is over. When is spring? I want to eat a salad grown by someone I know.

Highest Pesticide Residues
Apples
Bell Peppers
Celery*
Cherries
Imported Grapes
Nectarines*
Peaches*
Pears
Potatoes
Raspberries*
Spinach*
Strawberries

*highest residues among the samples

Lowest Pesticide Residues

Asparagus
Avocados
Bananas
Broccoli
Cauliflower
Sweet corn
Kiwi
Mangoes
Onions
Papaya
Pineapple
Sweet peas

self

self, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

I was pregnant at the beach so many months ago, and seeing this old photograph made me think of taking some pictures of my expanding belly. And now we have made it to nineteen weeks today.

The belly is a bit beyond looking like I had a few too many Christmas cookies, but I can still fit into some regular clothes. The morning sickness is gone for the most part. The children's back to back stomach bugs were a challenge. Yesterday John went through about twenty diapers full of yellow stinking foam, but that was better than Ella's six days of random projectile vomiting. Those are truly the trenches of motherhood.

I was at Target the other day and allowed myself to walk down the baby aisle for the first time. I bought a package of white onsies with rose patterns and a pale pink and brown striped boppy cover. Liz has me excited about cloth diapers and making my own diaper covers.

snowman

snowman, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

snow day

Ella has her long johns on under her jeans, and there is a surprise Flexible Flyer in the car. A friend of ours back in Portland gave Ella a pair of size 2 pink Sorel snow boots that she found at the thrift store. Five years and five moves later she is finally wearing them today.

cleaned the paint right off the wall

In my first attempt to get the house together ..i.e.sanitary since Thanksgiving I decided to bleach some mildew from the ceiling above the bathtub. If bleach touches paint it will have to be painted. Hooray.

I scrubbed all the floors and toilets. I haven't mentioned that Ella threw up about six times this week. I'm not sure if I'm disgusted or have the beginnings of some sort of nesting. My attempts at organizing the children's art supplies today made me downright pissed off. We have more stuff than I even imagined. Our basement playroom looks like a toystore exploded in there. I'm going to work on it again tomorrow. It just feels out of control.

She doesn't need a crayon, pencil, or pen until college.

ruby

ruby, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

girl

It is a girl!

I had a fetal echocardiogram today because of John's heart problems, and the cardiologist got some good pictures and pronounced her "normal". I also had the level II ultrasound this afternoon and everything looked normal. I had an amnio as well. I am forty one and would like to spend the next five months enjoying my pregnancy instead of worrying. I often wish I was one of those women who have no tests and give birth in their vegetable garden, but for me a bit of science is reassuring.

I've asked little John a few times if the baby is a boy or a girl, and he has always said, "Gael". He is so smitten with Tess and Phoebe that I think girl will fit into our family nicely. Two years ago when Ella found out she was having a brother she was a bit devastated, so hopefully this will be the girl she was hoping for.

mind spinning

So, my ob/gyn is a very quiet inobtrusive middle aged man with three children. When I was pregnant the last time he used to do ballet positions with three year old Ella during my exams and teach her knock knock jokes. To be honest he is the only doctor I've had as an adult who actually seems to make a genuine human connection with people. The other day when I was there we were talking about my level II ultrasound on thursday. There was a med student there from the osteopathic college,and the doctor comes over and gives me a hug and says, "We will be praying for you."

How strange is that?

ligurian farro, bean, and chickpea stew

1/4 cup olive oil
2 large garlic cloves, 1 crushed, 1 minced
1 large onion, halved and thinly sliced
3/4 cup farro or wheatberries, 4oz soaked overnight
1 1/2 cup chickpeas (1/2 pound soaked overnight)
1 dried red chile
1 1/2 cup cranberry beans (soaked overnight and drained)
salt and freshly ground pepper
freshly grated pecorino romano cheese

In a large pan heat 1/4 cup olive oil, add garlic and onion and cook for five minutes.
Drain farro and chickpeas and add to saucepan with chile, add water to cover generously. Bring to a simmer and cover. Cook over low heat until chickpeas are almost tender, 1 1/2 hours. Uncover and continue simmering until completely tender, 20 minutes.

While this cooks, in a separate pan cook the cranberry beans until tender, 2 hours. Transfer 2 cups of the cooked beans to a bowl and mash to a coarse puree and return to the saucepan.

Drain chickpeas and farro. Discard chile. Return to one large saucepan. Add cranberry beans with their liquid and minced garlic and simmer. Simmer with salt and pepper, stir well. Add a bit of smoked paprika. Serve in hot bowls passing olive oil and grated cheese.

So, this soup is nothing but beans, wheat, water, and some seasonings. It is so rich and wholesome and earthy, and I've got to make it again this weekend.

resolution number one--organic strawberries

January moves forward and I haven't really contemplated the traditional New Year's resolutions beyond those involving having a healthy baby. Topping the list though is strawberries and berries in general. No more conventionally grown fruits. I don't buy them at home, but I have often turned a blind eye in restaurants or other people's homes. The levels of pesticide found in these fruits has got to far outweigh the benefits of eating the fruit, and because the berries sprayed at different times in their development the poisons aren't rinsed off with a quick spray in the sink.

Peggy Mars of Earthbound Farms says," Although those conventional strawberries may look as lovely, there are definite differences. A typical grower of conventional strawberries may use methyl bromide, chloropicrin, Captan, malathion, Diprom, Vendex, Kelthane, and Avermectin to bring a crop of strawberries to market (371 pesticides are approved by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) for use on strawberries). Any of these may show up in your strawberry basket in the form of legally allowable pesticide residues. On occasion, residues are found to exceed even current legally allowable tolerances, the safety of which has been called into question by Consumers Union and other reputable groups, especially for children. "

There is a balancing game in this as well. I can just hear big girl saying, "I don't eat poisonous strawberries." She has a school friend who is not allowed to eat cake or snacks at birthday parties and I always feel a bit sorry for him to be so obviously excluded from blue cupcakes or sprinkles. Of course, my teeth feel like they are melting when I see my own children biting into those colorful swirls of processed and sugared fat. The mama I am thinking of tells her son and others that he is "allergic" to so many things that she has to bring "special", ie, organic, food for him. I'm wondering if there is a middle ground; I'll be offering to bring a platter of fruit to every party. I do like making those carved watermelon baskets.

Hopefully the weather will cooperate and we'll be able to buy a CSA fruit share this summer to go along with our weekly vegetables. Until then, there are lots of organic choices at the local supermarket. They do cost a little more, but isn't it worth it?

ob appointment

I had my first post pneumonia ob appointment today--very reassuring. All measuring well and with a galloping little heartbeat.

having a big time

Hope yall have been keeping up with Hillbilly Savants lately. I love this post about a local song played during this time of year. I was thinking about it today as I was trying to clear the house of wrapping paper and cardboard boxes.


Hooray Jake, hooray John
Breakin’ up Christmas all night long
Santa Claus come, done and gone
Breaking up Christmas right straight along
Don’t you remember a long time ago
The old folks danced the doesey-doe


I cooked my pot of blackeyed peas today and made some stewed tomatoes, Scott Peacock's recipe with the buttered toast on top from this month's Gourmet.

i'm going in

im going in, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Christmas, yes there was Christmas. Ella isn't in too many of these pictures because apparently she couldn't keep her nightgown down in the unwrapping frenzy. She was there, I promise.

Santa brought Ella the fairy treehouse that she had actually prayed for, but she was quite nonchalant about it. She says, "Oh, there is that treehouse that you love, mama". John got a wooden workbench and all sorts of wooden tools and a toolbelt. His word for it all, "BOB". Ella was thrilled to get a Quadrilla marble run and architectural castle blocks. I'm still wondering where it is all going to go.

stunningly quiet

John and Ella are with their grandparents in Washington DC for the weekend while we continue to recuperate. I am feeling somewhat functional, but I have absolutely no energy or stamina. I'm starting to understand why people buy recliner chairs and giant televisions. This morning I watched a girlie movie and several shows on HGTV. The moment I have any energy I am going to demolish our kitchen island and head over to Lowes to resurface it. If we are going to spend a few more years in this house we have got to have kitchen counters that are cleanable. I also need one of those heartless home organizers to come over and throw all my crap away. I was watching one of those sell your house shows and one of those heartless women actually made a hideous house look good by getting rid of most of the clutter and spending three hundred dollars on some simple updates.

ribs, no sauce, no slaw

This is just another "I am better post". Better with a side of broken ribs. Actually, I think three of them are broken. No, it wasn't skiing or ice skating. I broke my ribs coughing. Hacking.

It isn't as bad as all that. The first two nights were fairly excruciating, but I just propped myself up on some very fluffy pillows. Now I feel like my ribs went to the gym and lifted weights for a few hours. I can't really lift the little man, so I'm getting lots of help. Perhaps we are lucky that we planned on visiting family for the entire holiday season. The children can be lifted and entertained.

I'm at my mothers house doing little more than sleep and eat great food.The first night that I was here I slept for fifteen hours; Today I lay on the sofa under a quilt with my feet pointed towards the woodstove.

ella

ella, originally uploaded by ellajohn. This is from the last creative movement class of the semester. The parents were invited to observe the hour long class.

nose

clowny, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

soon

I know, you want pictures and tales of christmas children, but they are four hours away baking cookies and making messes. Even the doctor says that I am "better". Not well, just better. I'm taking it as a good sign that she didn't make me another appointment. Just more antibiotics.

With any luck we are joining the children tomorrow, so I'll see you in the New Year.

from morning sickness to pneumonia

Maybe I'm better. After all this time it is getting hard to tell. I didn't throw up today, and I hacked up lots of green stuff. Hopefully my tattered old immune systeme will finally slough off the lung bugs.

I let the children go to their grandparents house, and it is stunningly quiet here. I read 758 pages of Harry Potter in the last twenty four hours.

It is hard to actually write about anything when you have been moving from chair to sofa to bed for weeks on end. I go back to the doctor tomorrow afternoon, and hopefully she says that I can travel for christmas.

I'm fourteen weeks pregnant today.

er::bad bug

I've never been to the emergency room, but yesterday I couldn't even get comfortable in my bed, couldn't stop coughing, and couldn't breathe. I knew I wasn't in mortal danger, but I have this little baby in my belly and Christmas looming. Earlier in the week I had called my family doctor and told her that the cough syrup she had recommended wasn't doing anything. She said that I could try steam baths. (Insert laugh here)

So, the emergency room was fairly wonderful. I got this older hippy woman doctor who seemed smart and warm and funny. She seemed to be balancing the pregnancy with actually feeling better. She called doctor steam bath and my OB and talked to them. I did have a chest X-ray wearing a huge lead skirt and standing in front of a lead panel. She had the respiratory therapist give me a breathing treatment and put me on some prednisone for three days to get me functional again. I got to lie in a very soft albeit narrow bed for four hours. The woman next to me had sliced her hand while chopping chocolate for christmas cookies. It wasn't a bit like TV.

I actually slept last night. I woke up to hear the ice hitting the roof and then again when it rained hard this morning. The ice storm has left our woods very sparkley, but the sun is out and it is already dripping. There is snow predicted for this afternoon. Ah, mountain living at the top of a big hill.

So, it has been a strange holiday season. I haven't made anything. I haven't baked anything. I haven't been shopping. We do have two christmas trees up and have the children's seasons tree decorated with birds.

elfin'

This will give you a good laugh.

sick, week three

I'm losing my patience with mucus. Apparently there is some sort of battle going on between my nose and my lungs. The Puffs Plus are the only thing keeping my nose intact. I cough incessantly, and that either causes me to throw up or pee in my pants. You can see why I'm not really leaving the house much.

The fact that I'm typing this makes me think that I must be getting better.

Ella stayed home today, mostly because I think that she wanted to be with me, so we opened up the futon in the living room and watched movies and PBS all morning. Charlie Brown Christmas.

cat out of the bag

In my attempts to beg someone to work at the school I just sent half the school my blog address. Pull up a chair, make yourselves at home. It is a happy place. Ella doesn't know I'm pregnant, so shhhhhhh.

upright

I've been in the upright position since eleven o'clock, a record for the week. Earlier this morning I was cold and weeping, so I'm not pronouncing myself healthy just yet. The bad bug/morning sickness combination has literally kicked me to the ground. I have lost five pounds this week, so my first trimester weight gain is at minus five. The only food that has been good this week is hot and sour soup and grapefruit. The local chinese restaurant makes really good soup with lots of schezwan preserved vegetables and tofu. I added some chile and garlic sauce from the fridge and a spoonful of cider vinegar.

The small ones are snotty and coughy but restless and ready to get out of the house. John has been literally climbing the furniture and has had more than his share of time outs. John and Ella went out yesterday to get a Christmas tree, a Norway spruce with roots that can be planted in our yard. We are leaving on our Christmas tour of grandmothers, aunts, and uncles next monday. I haven't even started making my cards. I do have the supplies, but I haven't even attempted a photo of the children.

news from the couch

A few days ago I finally had to accept the fact that I was sick. Pretty much too sick to get off the sofa. I couldn't breath while carrying the thirty four pound man. I took him to the doctor, and she immediately wrote out three prescriptions. So here we are. Hacking. Hacking. Coughing. Blowing noses. Measuring medicines for little people.

tree swing

ella, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

I wish I knew how many hours I spent doing just this as a kid. Our grandparents lived next door and put up a swing like this in the woods behind their house. It was on a steep hill so when you swung out you were high above the ground.

self portrait by ella

self portrait by ella, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

dear santa

dear santa, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

::heart::

We spent the whole day in the big city at the doctor's office. We saw a triumvirate of prenatal diagnosticians, the maternal-fetal medicine specialist, the geneticist, and the ultrasound tech who did the NT. At twelve weeks, the ultrasound photos all look frighteningly like little grey My Little Ponys. The NT scan was good, and the baby seems to be growing normally, and has a good heartbeat.

hello, hello, the trash can is ringing

Three out of four of us are still hacking and coughing. Yesterday was just one of those days. I couldn't find my cell phone (in the house) so I had to go out to pick up John in his locked building. The one remaining pay phone in town wasn't working, so yes, I was the redneck honking my horn in front of an office building last night. Miss six was fascinated with the concept of a pay phone. She had never seen one.

The phone was in trash. The trash that I had already taken out.

Needless to say, I went to bed at eight.

cascade falls pembroke, virginia

cascade falls pembroke, virginia, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

We hiked to this waterfall this afternoon with the children and my mother. It is four miles and rocky, but the payoff at the waterfall always makes it seem worthwhile.

ham

ham, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

thanksgiving 2007

thanksgiving 2007, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

We made our usual daytrip to Farmville, Virginia for Thanksgiving. My brother starts cooking the turkey out in the yard at five thirty in the morning in a smoker that he built a few years ago. The turkey skin turns absolutely black, but the inside is not even related to the ho-hum roast turkey that comes out of most ovens.

John and Ella are both afraid and entranced by the pack of hound dogs that have the run of my brother's house and yard. Ella needs her own little hound to follow her around.

vintage daddy

Pilgrim and Native American John, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

We are headed over the river and through the woods. Happy Thanksgiving.

sing

sing, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

simple gifts

Simple Gifts was written by Shaker Elder Joseph Brackett, Jr. in 1848. It was first published in The Gift to be Simple: Shaker Rituals and Songs. Simple Gifts was a work song sung by the United Society of Believers in Christ's Second Appearing (more commonly called the Shakers, an offshoot of the Quakers).

Ella's class sung this song today as part of her school's Thanksgiving celebration and feast. It was perfect. The whole school had a potluck this morning at the community center. The younger grades sang and the older kids played their recorders. Ella's class signed this song as they sang, and I thought the song really reflects what the school is all about. I'm sure that is why they chose it.

'Tis the gift to be simple,
'tis the gift to be free,
'tis the gift to come down where you ought to be,
And when we find ourselves in the place just right,
It will be in the valley of love and delight.

Refrain:
When true simplicity is gained,
To bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed.
To turn, turn will be our delight,'
Til by turning, turning we come round right
'Tis the gift to be loved and that love to return,
'Tis the gift to be taught and a richer gift to learn,
And when we expect of others what we try to live each day,
Then we'll all live together and we'll all learn to say,

Refrain:
'Tis the gift to have friends and a true friend to be,
'Tis the gift to think of others not to only think of "me",
And when we hear what others really think and really feel,
Then we'll all live together with a love that is real.

Refrain:

narcolepsy

The narcolepsy is slowing down my posting frequency, but for now I just have to go to bed early. Toddler early. It makes my busy days possible and positive. John has been weaned for seventy two hours, and he has only asked one time. He has spent three whole nights in his crib, and I've gotten the best sleep I've had in years. Well, I have had a hacking six year old coughing in my face, but tonight she is going back to her room too. I let her stay with me in case he might keep her up, but he didn't cry at all last night.

12 hours in a crib

He was in bed at seven. He woke up at eleven thirty and went right back to sleep. At two thirty he screamed for daddy for ten minutes and then went to sleep. At five thirty seven he screamed for mama for ten minutes and then slept until seven.

Hurray!!

wean-o-rama

Two years and four months. It has been a good run, but now I'm starting to feel like I've been nursing a den full of wolf puppies. I don't know if there is less milk or if pregnancy is making me more sensitive. Tonight I made John a cup of warm milk at bedtime. He rejected that, so I made him a cup of chamomile tea and put him to bed. No complaints. I told Ella that if John cries at night she can come into my room, but he is staying in his crib until six am. Of course I'll go in and give him a cuddle and put on the Mister Roger's CD.

Hopefully we can finally achieve the elusive sleeping through the night, and mama can get some much needed rest.

live from the futon stage

live from the futon stage, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

We had a late night and an early morning around here. The P family camped with us for the night as they travelled from Florida back to Northern Virginia. Ella loved having kids here for a sleepover. The last time we saw the Ps John was in my belly, so they had a new family member to meet. Ella and Krystyna both just started kindergarten. This morning there was a puppet show and several nearly ear splitting musical numbers.

next

In case you were wondering...the nausea is SPECTACULAR! I can smell your armpits from here.

Next week I have a NT scan in the big city and another ultrasound at the doctor's office. Advanced maternal age gets you lot of peeks.

to do list

The replacement needle for Ella's Fisher Price record player is here.

sunday hike

sunday hike, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

life of ease

life of ease, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

ella::overlook

ella::overlook, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

i went for a hike

i went for a hike, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

season's tree

season's tree, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Ella and I sat under a tree and stitched these felt leaves for our season's tree.

to market to market

mister, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

I hadn't taken any pictures in a week, so I decided to jump right back on this morning. Granny took care of these little people all last week while I moped in coffee shops and worked at Ella's school. Apparently she lost almost five pounds in the process, so you know they stayed busy. There was cooking, bike riding, shopping, and movie going. Running about with these little people is active business.

I think of myself as being the mellow lazybones, but when I think about it I usually do a lot in a week. The entire family is up at six in the morning. We are all out the door by seven thirty. I pack everyone's lunch because little John and I stay in town several days a week. We have a regular routine at the library and a regular playdate for baby John. I work on the playground at Ella's school every morning. I do all the shopping, and cook a real homemade meal six nights a week, so maybe I'm not really a sloth.

I do need some serious plans to get our lives organized by the time we have another baby. We also need to have our small house much more organized. Hopefully we can redo the kitchen in the new year, and I can finally organize all my craft and sewing supplies, and make our bedroom look like a bedroom again.

ella

ella, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

surprise

surprise, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

heart::beat

I went in for a follow up ultrasound on wednesday which revealed an embryo with arms, legs, a head, and a healthy heartbeat. The doctor says to be optimistic. That pint of blood? He says he just isn't sure. A twin. Early in this little investigation he said that perhaps what he was seeing in the earlier ultrasound was just a younger embryo than we thought, two weeks younger. The ultrasound measured in at eight weeks on wednesday.

Of course I know that you aren't supposed to announce an eight week pregancy, but I announced a miscarriage, and I can't let the world think that I'm still crushed.

I'm forty one, everything stinks, and I'm very optimistic.

nine weeks, one day

So, I'm still here with my blighted ovum waiting for the inevitable miscarriage. Yes, I thought that was over too, but here I am. Still exhausted and things still smell bad. I've had a cold for a few days. There is nothing like being kicked while you are down. So, I still get to experience the downward spiral of hormones...as if it could get any worse. I'm just in a quitting mood. I want to quit everything. I did quit the preschool. I hope I don't come across too many delete buttons in my life. The littles keep me going, though. Even laughing.

If you don't know what to say there are resources.

My husband is headed off for a week at a conference in Portland, Oregon, and I am already lonely. His mother is coming for the week to help me with the kids, and I am grateful.

get this nose off my face

no nose, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Halloween. It was easy. Ella refused to wear her beak or her feet, so she was a mystery bird, fairy, ballerina. We trick or treated early and hit the local vegetarian dive's Halloween buffet. The little people were in bed asleep by seven thirty.

mexican tomato soup

Saute a large onion, chopped, in olive oil until just browning. Add a teaspoon of freshly ground cumin, a few cloves of crushed garlic, and a teaspoon of smoked paprika. Add a can of fire roasted tomatoes, crushed or pureed in the food processor. Add a box of organic chicken broth, vegetable broth, or a quart of water. In a separate pan brown a cup or so of pasta in a bit of oilive oil. Broken up spaghetti is fine. Tonight I used elbow macaroni. Add browned pasta to the tomato broth and simmer for fifteen minutes. Add salt, pepper, and chopped cilantro. For grownups garnish with thinly sliced jalapeno. Miss six said this was delicious.

freeze

We are having our first freeze tonight, so we got some tender plants in the house, picked all of our flowers, harvested herbs, and cleaned up the borders today. The water table is getting a skirt and moving indoors as a reincarnated rice/bean table.

Continuing the fall cleaning indoors we rescued our fish from their murky tank and vacuumed Ella's potpourri strewn room. I scrubbed the bathtub and bleached a bucket of tub toys, put away many piles of small clothes and cleaned out the refridgerator.

Isn't disinfecting the sixth stage of grieving?

backyard

backyard, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

back of house

back of house, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

pond walk

pond walk, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

the sun also rises

John somehow convinced me that cleaning up trails in the National Forest would be a good idea. And it was. The kids had a private tour with their own forest ranger for an hour. The sky was blue. The trees were red. There were salamanders and orange dragonflies.

Then we drove over to the dreamhouse without heat or 22o amp power. He had never actually been there, so now I've got him caught in the old house web. Could he dig a fence post? We'd have to get a lawnmower verging on tractor.

We stopped at the market on the way home, and I made barley pilaf with shitake mushrooms and roasted butternut squash with thyme, sage, garlic, toasted pecans, and blue cheese. I made a salad with baby greens, thinly sliced grapefruit, and pomegranate seeds.

bitter::stew

I do. I feel bitter and irrationally angry. There doesn't seem to be enough time to sit down and drink a cup of coffee. I keep going past my exit on the highway because I'm distracted. It has been raining for days, and a wet black cat crossed my path at the library yesterday.

I have enjoyed reading to the kindergardeners, first and second graders this week during the rainy mornings.

I tried to make some changes to my blog, but I'm completely out of my element when it comes to the computer. I've lost my template and all of my links, so if you have a blog that I read regularly don't think I'm stalking you. I'm just searching for the URLs of all the links that I used to have.

So, yes, I'm bitter with a side of hopefulness. You know when you are just stewing in yourself and you know it.

ellabird

peacock ella, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Ella went to a birthday party today dressed as a peacock, a somewhat ethereal theatrical wisp of a peacock.

little wheel turning in my heart

I had a miscarriage today at eight weeks. Oddly enough, I was reading a book by the Dalai Lama when it happened, and somehow I'm trying to find the comedy in that. I'm disappointed. I'd been making lists of names and was excited to tell our famililes at Thanksgiving. I didn't even cry until I was driving to pick up John with both children in the back seat listening to Laurie Berkner sing "Little Wheel Turning in My Heart". It got me. Laurie Berkner.

johns

johns at mabry's mill, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

She is on two wheels!!!

love!!!!, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

We went down to the park today for some bike practice, and suddenly she is cruising along on her own. I remember the exact patch of grass that I rode on when my father pushed me along and then let me go.

she rides

she rides, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

ready

ready, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

trail

trail, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

oak::colour

oak::colour, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Ella's homework assignment was to go out and look at fall leaves. We drove out to Floyd and down the Blue Ridge Parkway. We hiked into the woods with paper and beeswax crayons and found on old stump for a woodland table. Ferns made beautiful prints.

spaceman

spaceman, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Honestly, he can't get any sweeter.

The Daring Book for Girls

Not twelve hours ago I was wondering how I was ever going to learn the rules to four square. Now I can have all that and palm reading too. No, I'm not kidding. Amazon says, "THE DARING BOOK FOR GIRLS is the manual for everything that girls need to know –– and that doesn't mean sewing buttonholes! Whether it's female heroes in history, secret note–passing skills, science projects, friendship bracelets, double dutch, cats cradle, the perfect cartwheel or the eternal mystery of what boys are thinking, this book has it all. But it's not just a guide to giggling at sleepovers –– although that's included, of course! Whether readers consider themselves tomboys, girly–girls, or a little bit of both, this book is every girl's invitation to adventure."

back from the beach

early morning, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Women's beach weekend::october::eighty degrees and sunny::empty beach::delicious food::sandcastles::one hundred and twenty six seashells::thirty five horseshoe crab parts::four buckets::four children::ocean view::waking up for sunsets::I meant to drink lots of cocktails and sit in the hot tub::fell asleep with children at eight pm::awesome.

self

self, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

john

john, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

126 shells

126 shells, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

test ride

test ride, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

I'm 6

I'm 6, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Ella's birthday draws to a close. We have been so busy celebrating that she never even opened her big gift from us, the vintage Fisher Price record player. She chose her birthday meal tonight, long noodles with marinara and garlic bread. John helped me snap a lot of fresh green beans so we had those too.

Ella got a big girl bike from her grandparents, a hot pink mountain bike sans training wheels, and she is well on her way to being able to ride a two wheeler. It is sturdy and safe, and they got her a new helmet and pads. She is ready to hit the local bike trails. I need to start jogging with the stroller I think.

bees!!!!!!!!!

bees!!!!!!!!!, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

Just another kindergarden morning with a hive of live bees and a jovial biologist. One of Ella's friends says to his mother, "Are you sure this is safe?"

I went in for lunch today with pumpkin chocolate chip muffins for the class on Ella's birthday. They were quite understanding about the ones that were a little flat. I don't have that many muffin tins. I roasted a local organic pumpkin and all the ingredients were organic. There are some dedicated healthy families in this room. Ella's teacher also speaks out against the high fructose corn syrup and food additives. Finally, I'm not alone in a sea of cheetos.

circle game

Yesterday a child came out to wonder
Caught a dragonfly inside a jar
Fearful when the sky was full of thunder
And tearful at the falling of a star
Then the child moved ten times round the seasons
Skated over ten clear frozen streams
Words like, when youre older, must appease him
And promises of someday make his dreams
And the seasons they go round and round
And the painted ponies go up and down
We're captive on the carousel of time
We can't return we can only look behind
From where we came
And go round and round and round
In the circle game

joni mitchell

chinkapin hill studio

Chinkapin Hill Studio

fall::afternoon::light

We went to a wedding yesterday out in Fishersville, Virginia. It was at a winery, and as we walked down to the beginnings of a new vineyard it was like walking into a giant bowl of earth with the moutains on the horizon. Ella was chasing grasshoppers and dancing.

fishersville, virginia

fishersville, virginia, originally uploaded by ellajohn.

barren ridge winery

barren ridge winery, originally uploaded by ellajohn.